Pulling up to a spa a stone’s throw from Backcountry? I’ll admit I was skeptical. South Main Street in Harrisonburg is known more for car dealerships and fast food, not top notch spa treatments. But when a recommendation comes my way, it’s my duty to follow it. So, I took the plunge and scheduled a massage.

​

     My first impressions of Cedar Stone were pleasant. The lobby was a bit crunched, but plush lounge chairs were a welcome addition. I was checked in at the front desk and offered tea or a drink while I waited for Garrett, my masseuse. Man-sseuse?

​

     When he finally arrived, I was ushered into a large room. I mean, way larger than I anticipated. There was a fireplace, oriental looking rug, plush chairs, shelves with zen-looking knick-knacks, and finally the massage bed. I was a little overwhelmed.

​

     Before anything started Garrett and I chatted about any areas I wanted to focus on. I mentioned some lower back pain I’ve had lately and he said he would be sure to pay extra attention to that spot. A good sign.

​

     It was finally time to get down to business. Garrett went outside allowing me to disrobe in a room with so much open space I felt like I was streaking some families living room. It was squeaky clean, which I appreciated, but spooky nonetheless. And so began my massage experience—naked and afraid, the saga.

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

   

 

 

 

 

 My massage was 90 minutes. I was ready for it to be over after 20, so I would recommend going for a much shorter option if this is your first time. If you’re not feeling it, you don’t want to get trapped like a greased up naked mole rat.

​

     I don’t want to cook my masseuse by any means here, but his methods were…unorthodox. At one point, I think he had my leg up in the air swinging it around while my face was squished into the hole in the table. When the sounds of the rain forest are pounding down on you and there’s a small circle of hot stones on your body, you kind of roll with the punches. So I obviously didn’t say anything.

​

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     

 

     Every time I looked down all I could see was the bottom of his sweatpants and his shoe-less toes. Pairing that with the sensation of lukewarm oil on my body and I’ll just say the experience was less than supreme.

I should own some of the reasoning behind my discomfort. I had worked out the day prior (spring break am I right ladies) and was still sore when I went in for the treatment. Tender muscles getting kneaded like a bag of meat isn’t euphoric. However, what was advertised as a relaxing massage was really more like a stress inducing squeeze fest.

​

     Cedar Stone offers plenty of other services, so I wouldn’t rule them out completely. Like I said before, the staff seemed friendly and the facility squeaky clean. Personally, I would never return for a massage. I was in the ju jitsui club for like, five minutes Freshman year, and this mirrored that experience a little too closely. The only difference is I paid a lot more for this.

​

​

Even after reading my oiled-up horror story, massages might still be for you. If so, here are a few tips of things I could have done differently to make the experience a little better:

​

1. Stay hydrated. For some reason the massage and the oils seem to leave you craving liquid. If I had a little more to drink that day, and for the rest of the day after the treatment, I wouldn’t have felt so loopy.

2. Don’t work out too hard a day or two before. If you know whatever you’re doing in the gym is going to make you sore, avoid it. Otherwise your muscles are going to hate you for the extreme contact they’re about to receive.

3. Stick with a masseuse of the same gender unless you really, REALLY know you’re comfortable with switching it up. This was my first time with a male masseuse and it wasn’t for me. When in doubt, don’t go against your instinct. 

4. Don’t shy away from hot stones. I pictured coals from a fire the first time I imagined this, but it couldn’t be further than the reality (sorry, I’m dramatic). They were no doubt the redeeming part of the experience.

5. If something hurts or isn’t working for you, say something. I spent the whole time in silence and I regret it. They can’t read your mind. So, how can they know if you think them pulling your arm, and half your body, almost onto the floor isn’t your favorite feeling ever?

​

​

With that in mind, I wish you far better experiences than I underwent. However, know it was my pleasure to be the greased-up Guinea Pig for the good people of Harrisonburg.